Role models and gender

I grew up largely without male role models.

My parents separated when I was four years old, and I barely saw my father until I was into my teenage years, and then almost exclusively in the pub, where he spent his waking hours. He had some qualities: a high regard for learning (though not formal education), a love of history and of art. As a father though, he was a failure. He taught me photography, and that is about all.

I have two older brothers, seven and nine years my seniors. They did not constitute positive role models, one because he was abusive and the other because he was busy with his own problems related to the above.

Whereas other boys might look to football stars, I did not. I hated team sports (and still do), and found it difficult to relate to others. Only in my late 30s did I realise I have some level of autism spectrum disorder.

The first person I encountered who I can identify as a positive role model was my Scout leader. I was in the Scouts between the ages of eleven and fifteen. Gordon was in his 50s, unmarried and a relentlessly practical man. From him I learnt not only campcraft and the ways of the outdoors, but a practical mindset. This provided a stark contrast to my father, who was just about the least practical person you could ever have met. 

Gordon died when I was around nineteen. Although I had long since left the Scouts, I had maintained contact, and was sad at his early passing.

While I was studying A Levels at college, I trained as a part-time soldier in what was then called the Territorial Army - a military reserve. I write trained, because I never actually completed the full scheme, only the initial recruit course, over several weekends and weekly evening sessions. Despite being attracted to the discipline of army life, and the outdoor aspects, I could not cope with being around other people for anything longer than a weekend without respite, and could not fit in with the masculine culture, so left half way through the second phase of training. This period did, however, introduce me to another who I consider to have been a positive role model.

H was a Lance Corporal and Physical Training instructor, responsible for training us in everything from how to wash and shave in the field and how to strip and clean a rifle to ensuring that we could pass the fitness tests. He was an ex-regular soldier, lean and muscular, efficient in everything he did, and terrifying towards those who were not up to speed - which by his standards, was everyone. As an unfit, unworldly eighteen year old, I held him in awe. While we would run the 3 mile fitness test in sports kit and trainers, he would run in heavy combat boots, and still finish before all but a handful. He was everything I aspired to be, and deep down knew I could not.

Somehow though, I got the impression that there was more to him. He kept a professional distance from us recruits, and it seemed from everyone else, but I always got from him an impression of intellect and understanding. Though terrifying during a physical training session or on a fitness test, the verbal abuse was always a little theatrical, and it unfailingly contained a strong element of encouragement. Twenty five years later, pushing myself through a long run on the riverbank, I still occasionally hear his voice telling me that only the irredeemably weak stop and walk, or that a man has used only 30% of his energy the first time he collapses (I do not recommend the reader take this literally). I have maintained a decent standard of fitness well into my 40s, and I owe this largely to H's encouragement and example. 

I cannot think of anyone I have learnt from since, in the way I learnt from Gordon and H in those formative teenage years.

I still look to others for inspiration, but it is rarely towards men. I run and I climb, but my inspiration comes more from female athletes. In my professional life it is the same; I more often look to female colleagues for an example. Maybe this is because of my own incompatibility with what seems the dominant masculine culture, and with the conventions of relationships between men.

That would have been the end of this post, had I written it two weeks ago. Just before Christmas, I was browsing an online forum, wading through posts on various aspects of human rights, when I started reading a discussion on trans rights. This is a topic I have not spent time learning about. I followed a link to an article, and saw a name that looked familiar. A bit more reading, and yes: it was certainly H. Thirty years of soldiering, thirty years of hardship, and H has realised their self and become a trans model. I have thought hard about this, about the pain they must have endured, but also about their ability to inspire others while struggling themself. My respect for H has multiplied.

...

Part of my job is teaching citizenship to teenagers. There is often talk of the need for positive male role models. I am beginning to wonder if in fact we should look beyond this; do young males really need male role models, or should we aim to encourage the idea that anyone can be an inspiration and good example? This could be taken as argument against girls' need for positive female role models, or against the need for role models within any other group, but of course in our current patriarchal society a different power dynamic is involved; maybe it would be healthier, both for the individual and wider society, for young males to take some inspiration from other groups, and maybe that is where our focus should be.